Open, when I am dead
by Spy'd R
Summary: Reminiscences of Sherlock Holmes' college time, and what happens when a dog of a man bites another man who is just as friendless.
1. The fierce bull-terrier

**Author's note: as always...please leave comments! :D**

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Once again, I put pen to paper, even though this time it is not for the public to read, but for me; and solely fort this purpose. Well, at least for half a century from the day of my death, that is, for this is when this document can be next opened. I reckon I might tell my dear friend Watson. He deserves to know and I trust him more than anyone else these days.

* * *

I remember my first months I was at college. To be frank (which I can doubtless be in this document) it was not at all a pleasant time for me. Not because I did not have either friends or acquaintances, but for the simple reason that; despite the fact I was a complete stranger to the life as a student, and (not unlike my brother Mycroft) have a slight aversion to new situations; it was plainly put a bore. Of course this state of boredom only lasted until I had settled, and had found a routine I could follow, which again, was to be disturbed very soon.

It was Sunday the 5th of November in the year of 1875. A date I presume, I will always be able to recall. The clock was just about to strike ten, and I had to hurry to get to the chapel in time. We, the students were expected to be seen taking part at the mass at least once a week. New and unacquainted with the rules as I was, I worried over being late. I had left my room with the utmost hurry, crossed the lawn like lightning and was now pacing down the alleyway which lead down to the small church. So distraught was I, that I didn't even hear the man shout behind me.

"Watch out man! The animal is loose!"

In the very same instant, I tripped over something soft and furry. It turned out to be a black and white furred bull-terrier. Having of course infuriated the animal, it immediately dug its strong jaws into the nearest part of me, which was; and I think it is rightful to say this; luckily only my right ankle.

Oh what a pain that was! I cannot remember having felt anything as dreadful ever after. I know now why pets were usually permitted on the college grounds. It was also then that I realised that this young man's father must be someone of influence. The owner of the dog approached me. His eyes were filled with despair. Muttering a thousand apologies, he knelt down beside me into the snow. I could only hear him, for the sharp pain forced me to close my eyes. The dog had long returned, most likely expecting a treat for hunting down such gigantic a prey: me.

"I am sorry, sir! Now please keep calm and listen to me." his tone was serious but even then I could hear how bad he felt for having let this happen.

"My name is Trevor, and I am a medical student. I will stop the bleeding now and help you to the infirmary."

Clenching my jaw in pain, all I could do was to nod; and this I did.

* * *

It was quite some work, getting me to the infirmary. The bleeding was being held back by Trevor's scarf. He helped me by offering his shoulder as a support. When we finally reached the door of the little hospital, my foot was numb, as were fingers; even though I wore gloves. Despite the odd groan or grunt on my behalf, the way (which seemed much longer now than before) was passed in silence.

The local doctor, who resided within the college's premises, examined my wound, cleaned, disinfected it and put a proper bandage around it. He then ordered Trevor to see me to my chamber; and myself to not leave it for at least a week now. It was ten days I spent; bound to this tiny room; with only little distraction, apart from a visit by this strange man, who introduced himself to me as Victor Trevor.


	2. Apologies

**Author's note: **

**As always - please leave comments! ._.**

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The first day I spent all on my own, tied to my bed, turning the thought over and over in my head, whether to telegraph my father in Yorkshire or my brother in London about my accident. But then I reached the conclusion, that my father most likely would either not care, or he would never read it because he was not at home, like most of the time. And my brother? He would most likely care, but neither would he move an inch, nor would he be able to change my state. So I lay there, reading, studying all day long. When the sun was about to sink, and the doctor had finished his examination, I was tired all the same. Of course, when I awoke, the next morning, I expected the same tiring emptiness as the day before. I was wrong however. It was once again Trevor who entered my life as unexpected as he had two days previously. I had just reached for the book about organic chemistry on my bedside table, when I heard someone knocking at the door. It was so timid and quiet at first, that I thought my imagination would play a trick on me. But when I heard it again, I was sure that there was somebody standing outside the door. From the second knocking I could deduce, my visitor to be a man. Young. A little shorter than myself, but still tall. It could not be the doctor, nor a nurse. Who else would care to see me at this early hour? Of course I had forgotten about Trevor, for he hadn't showed up since he had brought me to my room.

"Come in! The door is open!" I cried. You can perhaps imagine my surprise as I saw this man entering my room. My face must wonderfully have expressed all of those thought for my visitor smiled and blushed.

"Good morning, sir. I have come to apologise, and to see how you are doing."

"You already have apologised 36 times my man." I said a bit too well humouredly and folded my hands across my chest. "There is no need for further apoliges."

"Good. Then let me tell you the reason why I haven't come to see you yesterday. It is my fault, that you now lay here, after all."

I raised one eyebrow, then offered him a seat; which he refused, explaining that he would have to leave soon enough anyway. The only thing he did, was to take off the tweed-cap he wore on his head, revealing his dark-blonde hair. It was neatly combed, but not treated with pomade, just as mine back then. Now I write this down, I think to remember that it was him who suggested me to wear my hair the way I do up to now.  
But as to the colour, his hair had a touch of orange and auburn in it, and as the winter-sun fell onto it, it looked like the finest, warm, sweet honey. His eyes I was not able to see, for he wore gold-rimmed spectacles, which also reflected the light. I would later learn that they were brown; like hazelnuts.

"Anyway, sir, I was not sure whether to visit you, because I was so terribly ashamed by the events. I hope you can forgive me.", he bowed his head slightly. I have to admit, that I was somehow bewildered by these dramatic words.

"Ummm- thank you for taking it so seriously. I hope it calms you to know, that I do not mind all too much." Of course that was a lie. I did mind indeed, but it was not his fault after all, for he had warned me, that his dog had escaped. Also there was something in his face that kept me from saying anything which might make him worry even more. Trevor let out all the air in his lungs, together with a soft sigh of relief.

"Thank you for being so understanding. This event has put a great strain on me, would you believe?" he sighed again, then looked at his watch.

"Oh my goodness! I have to dash! Let me apologise again, before I go." He bowed shortly, before he put his cap back onto his head, and hurried out of the room.


	3. You know my methods

**Author's note: **

**As always - please leave comments! °u°**

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After this event, I was convinced that I would never see him again, but I proved to be wrong. It was the day after his somehow strange visit, that he returned to my chamber.

"Come in!" I loudly replied to the knocking on my door. When I saw the figure who entered, I was just as surprised as the day before. What did I expect? It was not much, obviously, or I would have been able to predict his visit. I have to say though, in my defence, that I never was very talented, when it came to social skills.

"It's me again, sir." He said, smiling timidly.

"I can see that." I smiled back. "And please, Mr. Trevor. I too have a name.

"Of course, sir-ugh-Mr. Holmes."

Now my curiosity was aroused. "you have remembered my name?"

"Well...ummm..the doctor mentioned it the other day, and I can see the open book on your desk, which you have undoubtedly labelled with your name, to prevent it from being stolen." He stooped and cleared his throat.  
Here I must admit that I was stunned. Not a word was I able to utter for twenty seconds at least. Trevor became more and more tense in the duration of the silence, but then visibly relaxed when I spoke again.

"I-I have to say that this impressed me. Where have you learned to...observe?"

"I haven't learned it, but I have taken on doing such things for, and I hope you will not judge me for it, there is no one I could call a friend here."

I didn't know what to even think. This Trevor character proved to be very much alike myself, which of course opened many possibilities.

"Oh! I will not judge you, at all, Trevor! It is exactly the same with myself. I trust you have more time to spare today? Excellent! Please, sit down."

Must have seemed a little too overjoyed, for Trevor was seemingly overwhelmed with all the things I confronted him at once. He sat down as I told him; sorting through his own thoughts.

"Did you enjoy your father's visit yesterday? I presume you did. You have a good relation, but you do not see him as often anymore. I can understand tha-" He stopped me by raising his hand.

"I am sorry...but-but how can you possibly know all this?! You spent all day in here.." now it was him to stop. The penny dropped, as he realised, that I used the same methods. He then looked at me, with such startled an expression, that I could not help, but bursting into loud laughter. Until this day I do not know what I would have done, hadn't he joined me in it.


	4. Three months pass by

**Author's note: **

**As always - please leave comments! °u°**

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Well, the days went on like this. He kept visiting me on a daily basis. After asking my agreement, he even brought his dog with him. He told me that its name was Jason, and that it was a very special breed. This and more I learned about this strange fellow. When I was finally able to walk again, after ten days (not seven) I was again convinced, that I would see no more of him. He seemed to think otherwise. So he showed up the next afternoon, shortly after I'd returned from my chemistry class; asking if I would care to come and study with him in the park.  
Ah, I will never forget this day, when I explained Trevor the human arteries by his own books. I remember more laughing than study on this afternoon. With regret I think back to these hours, for it is over now. It would be the most shameful lie to say that I am not happy now, but I think it lies in the human nature to long for the things we cannot have or the things that are past. The way Trevor looked at me, the way he helped me climb the stairs when I was still walking by the crutch...  
Everything of those signs! Now I blame myself for not having reckognised them! For had I done so, I would have had more time to give back what Trevor gave to me then.

Well, there is not more to say about this matter, because it should be clear by now, which turn of events came upon us, some three months later. The snow was long gone, and Trevor and I had become inseparable, even before the first flower dared to push its head through the muddy ground.  
"Have you any plans for the oncoming holiday?" he asked one foggy evening, we spent together in my chamer; smoking.

"No, Trevor. I do not. You know exactly, that it would make no sense."

He nodded. "Neither do I." He said eventually, in quite a languid manner. His insecurity had almost disappeared. He often told me, in moments of sentiment, that it was due to me, that he had been able to strengthen his character.

"So we will spend this next week together, I presume?", said I, releasing the smoke from my lungs. Trevor nodded again.

"So, have you any idea what we could do then?"  
He shook his head. "We should stay here. I think it would be the best thing to do..."

"Yes." I agreed. "Like I said: It would make no sense to go out, at this time of year. Besides, I detest the cold. I always have."  
It were the words he now said, that changed everything.

"It is not the cold which troubles me..."  
Looking back to this moment now, it was an inevitable thing to happen, and I do not regret it. On the contrary! I am quite proud of what I have done. It all had started some weeks ago ( I cannot recall how many it were exactly, because it did not appear at once, but grew over time; starting, the moment when he took care of me.)  
IT was a feeling. An emotion like this, I had in a similar way, felt towards my late grandmother. When I was a boy, she was the only person who seemed to care about me, when my brother went away to school, my father to seek out the wonders of supernatural phenomenons, and foreign continents and cultures all across the globe, and my mother had long passed to immortal dreams. Of course there had been teachers and maids then, but none of them had ever been able to provide the warmth and understanding, a feeble boy of about five or six years needed, except for her. And Victor Trevor.  
It might sound strange; reading this now, but then, it might be easier to understand, when I say, that Trevor was there for me, since the aforementioned first moment, and had not left my side fully, ever since. So I still often ask myself if it is normal to develop such feelings for another person, under the circumstances such as mine. Even if this person is of the same geneder?  
This might be one of the mysteries, mankind will never be able to fully answer.

"...it is the fear of parting with you, Holmes." Trevor ended the sentence that had begun so harmless.  
Of course I did not know where he was going with it.

"What do you mean by that? Express yourself clearly, man."

"There is not much I can add, to express myself any clearer than I just did. I hate to part with you. You've become a very important person to me, and it pains me to the bone to leave you. After all, you are my only friend in this whole wretched place!" and muttering he added something I was sure, I was supposed to have overheard, "and more than that..."

It was now, that I finally could fathom what he was attempting to bring across. It still seemed so unlikely, and weird, that I thought I must have got him wrong. Could it be, that he felt the same? Could it be, that he also spent hours in his bed at night, trying to shake off those thoughts about him? At least those where things I did, as soon as he was gone. There even were times, when I thought I was ill! I failed to concentrate on my study more and more often. Now and then, I started to tremble, when I saw him, even though I did not feel the cold. I ran out of breath for no obvious reason. Sometimes even my heartbeat increased to an extent, that I could hear it when all was silent around us. Oh, those were also the symptoms I got, shortly after my dear Watson moved in at 221b Baker Street, where we still live; as a secret couple. I hope the law will change someday. It is aweful to hide ones love for another person before society. How can we call ourselves "civilised", when we are not able to tolerate love? This is another thing I worry about. Now, as well as back then.

I blinked disbelievingly. I suddenly felt the urge to take his hands in mine and tell him that all was well, but I couldn't do it, as long as there was room for error.

"Did you just say what I think you did? Did you just-just offer..." I broke off, and stood up, as the truth dawned on me. Trevor mistook my behaviour for anger, or disgust. His eyes widened, and he became very silent. He must have thought, I would betray him to the police.

"Oh, God help me! Yes, Holmes. Yes. I am-am- am terribly in love with you. Now I have said it, my fate is in your hands. I hope..." he looked to the ground. "...I hope you know some mercy..."

I chuckled. "You need not worry, my dear, dear chap! You will be relieve to hear, that I feel exactly the same for you."

A spark lit up Trevor's eyes, and the brightest of smiles appeared on his face.  
"oh thank GOD!" he exclaimed with such relief, I have never heard before. Then...well, then we just fell into each other's arms, like brothers, who had been parted for a long, long time.


	5. Let us celebrate our love

**Author's note: **

**As always - please leave comments! °u°**

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"It would have been the end of me...I know why it is that I love you so..." His words were quite muffled, for his face was buried in my shoulder. I hesitated to say anything then. I was too new and unacquainted with all this love-concept. I had never loved like this before. Unfortunately, I have to admit, that I did not learn from my past, for I reacted in exactly the same way, when John confessed his love to me, during the case of the "McLeod Murders". Then again, both our lives were at stake, when he told me. Not so, when Victor Trevor admitted his feelings towards me.

"I love you too...Victor."

He resolved our long embrace, and we ended up holding hands.

"But what are we to do now?" asked I, looking deeply into his magnificent eyes.

"I don't know. We have to keep it secret of course...but as long as we do this, we can do everything. I think first of all we should celebrate our love."

"Oh, splendid. You have something in mind, haven't you?"

"Indeed I do. Tomorrow evening there will be a certain group at Finnegan's, the Irish Pub, which I'd very much like to hear."

"Oh, it sounds great! I have always shown a great interest in Irish music! In fact the first piece I was able to play on my violin was of Irish nature."

"Then t is settled?"

"Yes, it is!" I exclaimed with delight, before we once again fell into each other's arms.

He had held my hand all the way into town. At first I protested, naturally. I did not wish to be seen interacting in a romantic manner, with another man, but as I realised, that nobody was there who could see us, due to the holiday, I relaxed a little, and was even able to enjoy this little gesture of romantic intimacy.

Well...we soon arrived, but as we did, I was not so certain anymore, what I was to do in a place like this. Faint Irish folk music and the strong smell of tobacco, wood and different sorts of liquor greeted us some yards before the entrance of the Pub. I stopped to talk the matter over with Trevor once again, but to no avail. I guess this was another reason why I loved the man so much. Once he was set to do something; he did it. Especially so, when he was in a good humour, as it was the case on this evening. I swear, that in this moment, he could have talked me into anything.

"No, no, no, Holmes." He cried once I had laid the matter before him. "We're here to celebrate our friendship!" he did not say "love" because there was someone passing by. "Have you ever done this before?"

I blushed. "No, I haven't."

"See? Why complain?! You don't even know what is inside, and how you will like it! Come on!" without a warning, he headed off towards the Pub.

"Have ever told you that some of my ancestors are of Irish descent?" he called to me, from far ahead before he went in; without waiting for me.

"Curse you, Trevor..." I muttered with a smile, rushing in after him.


	6. Finnegan's Irish Pub

**Author's note: **

**As always - please leave comments! °u°**

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The interior was much how I expected it to be. The narrow front, and the bar were entirely made of, or rather, covered in dark, carved wood. The light was very dim, and the room was even more darkened by the gray and blue smoke that hovered all across the place. It did not affect me as much, because I was by then a smoker myself. What I did mind however, were the overly strong smell of alcohol and the absence of my lover. I couldn't see him anywhere in the small area of the bar. The only solution must be that he had dashed off to the dance floor right away.  
By now, I was quite lost and so I wandered over to where I assumed Victor must be. It was a lager room, also fully covered in wooden carvings; just that it was a little bit lighter than the wood in the front. Suddenly I felt a hand on my shoulder and gave a jerk. Only an instant later, my fright turned into relief, for I saw Trevor standing behind me; beaming.

"There you are, Holmes! Come with me! There are some pints waiting for us on the table!" he dragged me over to a table. From there we had an excellent view on the band and all the dancing folk surrounding us. A song was just over and the musicians discussed which one they should play next. I was fascinated by the hubbub in the Pub. Here, Englishmen and Irishmen danced next to each other; how they all seemed to be happy (just as drunk) when outside, they had not much reason for smiling. But then again, it were the Irish. They didn't care for anything as long as there was enough Whiskey to wash away every memory of their pain.  
I must have said this out loud, for Trevor laughed, clinked his glass on mine, and took a huge sip from it. I did the same. I felt my insecurity vanish, even without the alcohol.

We finished our drinks. I had used the time to acclimatise to my surroundings; take every detail in; become one of them. Trevor later told me, that I even left the place with an Irish accent. He took my hand under the table. "Come on. Let's dare a dance."

I smiled at him and nodded excitedly. It was when I tried to get up, and tripped over the nearest chair, that I realised the effect the alcohol had had on me. God knows I was not used to it! So I just laughed and followed my friend over to the dance floor. The band began to play afresh. It was a merry, quite quick song, to which my companion started to dance. My amazement was not little when I regarded him; his dancing skills were very impressive. I, myself cannot and could never dance, for the simple reason that neither, my family nor me have ever particularly encouraged it. But Victor, being of very cheerful and partly of Irish blood, it was in his veins so it seemed. It was when he pulled at my sleeve that I realised that I must have been staring at him. (The alcohol must have slowed my senses down) He wanted to dance with me. What should I do? Should I copy the behaviour of my fellow dancers? It seemed impossible to decide at first, but then I came upon the idea of mixing the options above plus making use of my boxing and fencing skills. Quickly I observed the footwork of other people and added what I knew from my fencing and boxing lessons as a youth. The song became ever faster, the notes digging into my brain. I can still remember them, even if I have by now forgotten its title. I have to say that I was quite shocked as first when my "friend" suddenly took my hand. Again there was this bright smile in his face. With every touch my own desire to kiss him grew. I longed to press his against a wall and hold him tight. Something in his ways suggested that he had the same thoughts in his mind. We danced on; at least one hour must have passed.

"I-I need another drink, Holmes." He panted.

"Alright, then you shall have one. It's on me this time."

"Oh- you needn't-"

"Yes, I do!"

"Agreed!" his eyes narrowed and his face showed a hideous smile. "But only if you also have another."

Dazed by beer and love as I was, I agreed. This meant of course that the time for reason was over; t least on my account. Trevor and I spent more hours dancing and drinking, before we left the Pub, either of us filled with a desire, darker than the all-consuming night outside the building.


	7. The dark road back home

**Author's note: **

**As always - please leave comments! °u°**

* * *

„How are we supposed to find our way home?" he exclaimed as soon as we were outside the door. "Somebody has forgotten to light the lanterns!"

"Oh Trevor! What do we have our senses for, if not to find our way back home?"

"Those are wise words from a man who gets drunk on two glasses of beer…" my friend remarked not without a good portion of sarcasm.

"Shut up and take my hand." I replied amusedly. He immediately did as he was told. Those words I never had to repeat.

"Just follow the sound of gravel under our shoes. There's still a bit left of the path which I can see."

"Lets make it a game, Holmes! I close my eyes. and you lead me wherever you wish."

I could not see his face in the darkness. but I was sure, that he wore again this playful smirk upon it. This time I did not reply at all; just took both his hands in mine (they seemed to be much warmer than my own) and lead him back to the house. We hadn't made five yards , when I felt his hands slowly crawling up to my elbows. His movements were slow, and it felt as if he was trembling.

"Are you alright, Trevor?"

"Yes, ummm…yes. Just-just sc-scared of umm…the darkness. But DON'T stop! My eyes are still closed!"

I took another position, for I had walked backwards before. Now Trevor was facing my back, still holding my hands tight. This time, we must have covered about ten yards, before his hands began to wander again. Now, I knew what his true aim was; because I suddenly sensed a warm spot on…well, my rear section.

"Trevor!" I cried. Of course I was not pleased about his sudden advances. What if anyone saw us?

"This is nonsense, Sherlock! We cannot even see each other! How do you think anyone else could see us?" he was right. Again I blamed this warm feeling inside me for my flawed reasoning. No. It couldn't have been the liquor which caused this sweet feeling…it hadn't been there before! Trevor must have been the reason for it. Had he really just called me by my Christian name? And his hand…I could not resist any longer- I gave in to kiss him.

Today I should perhaps regard this step as the greatest mistake in my career as a detective and logician but it is a fact that I do not. My beloved Watson also must be a mistake if one regards my situation like this, but in truth even the strictest reasoner must not depart himself from feelings such as love. As long as love does not blind, that is.

"Alright." I said after being released from the kiss. "let us just go home…and continue there. Almost everyone is gone because of the holiday. We should be safe in the dormitory."

"Which room will we take?"

"The one that is closer."

"Yours then." We continued the kissing ceremony. It was as if a magnetic field had established itself between us. He was the North Pole, pulling the South Pole in its reach to consume I; stick to it, until the end; the magnetism would wear off somewhen in the future, when mankind did not exist any longer. Slowly we continued our way back stopping now and then for a kiss or a gentle touch.

All those years later, even though the memory is still strong and vivid, the difficulty to describe the desire which burned inside us has remained. Never have I experienced it again in such an intensity. There was something close to it, certainly, a few times, and always due to Dr. Watson.

When we finally reached the door to my room, we were both out of breath. It had taken us fifteen minutes at least, to cover a distance, which is usually walked in five. The door flung open, much louder than intended, and we both fell to the ground. Trevor landed on top of me with a thump; squeezing the air out of my body. Neither of us minded the sorry incident. Trevor simply hurried to his feet, and quickly locked the door again; from the inside this time. I could hear the key turning; locking us in. Finally we were sound. There was still the risk of being heard , of course, but as I have told before, this was but a very small one. There was no such thing as a watchman who could discover what we were doing just by accident. Trevor returned to me with a keen look on his face. The church bell struck one as he commenced to undress me on the floor.


End file.
